


Family Portrait

by SegaBarrett



Category: Blackadder
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Mild slash, Some II and some I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 08:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2845244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SegaBarrett/pseuds/SegaBarrett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edmund discovers some family history is best left undiscovered...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Family Portrait

**Author's Note:**

  * For [machiavellijr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/machiavellijr/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I don't own Blackadder, and I make no money from this.

“Oh, Percy, leave Baldrick alone,” Lord Blackadder mumbled as he walked past his servant and fellow Lord, who had decided to retire to a corner and kiss each other for some reason he hadn’t ascertained. “I don’t even know what it’s about this time and I’ll do well to never find out.”

“But m’lord,” Baldrick spoke up, prying himself off of Percy, “Percy and I…”

“No! Don’t want to know.” Edmund covered his ears. “I had some business to attend to but now I don’t even remember what it was.”

“You were going to do a genealogy chart of the noble Blackadder family,” Percy chimed in. 

“Ah, yes, thank you, Percy. Now if you could just get out of my sight, everything would be just fine.”

Percy looked slightly offended, but also rather confused.

“We found that book that you asked for, m’lord,” Baldrick piped up, and Edmund looked more interested.

“Which book was this?” he inquired, sure that it was part of some or other cunning plan that he’d had, but he had so many of them these days that this one in particular had slipped his mind. 

“The family album, m’lord,” Baldrick supplied. 

“Ah, yes,” Edmund replied, suddenly remembering the whole conversation. The Queen had been inquiring about Edmund’s ancestors, particularly his great-grandfather, Edmund the Black Adder, for whom he had been named and who had been a king. Admittedly, no record seemed to remain of what he had actually accomplished while being king, but Edmund figured it was so much the better. At least he hadn’t done something really embarrassing, like paint the entire kingdom orange on a whim. Or whatever the bloody hell Baldrick would do if Baldrick had been a king. He probably would have knighted a rat or something. “I plan to trace my family back to its most noble beginnings. It is all the rage to be able to trace your family back farther than anyone else.”

“I traced my family back to the pub,” Baldrick spoke up, and Percy cocked his head to the side. 

“Which one?”

Edmund let out a groan of frustration and smacked his hand over his head. 

“There aren’t enough hours in the day,” he told them, “To beat any sense into either of you.” He smacked Baldrick in the head. “But I do aim to try. Maybe dreams can come true after all.”

Percy looked confused for a long moment, then reached down to retrieve a long slender black book.

“Your great-grandfather looked a lot like you,” he mused, opening it and pointing to a sketch of a man who, to be honest, didn’t really look like anyone. He looked more like a pair of eyes hovering in mid-air, and there appeared to be a nose in there somewhere. “Says it’s a self-portrait.” Edmund rolled his eyes and snatched the book out of Percy’s hands. 

“Give me that,” he grumbled after the fact, and started to flip through. A small piece of paper fell out.

“It’s a letter!” Percy exclaimed. Edmund cocked his head to the side. Percy seemed to get really excited about letters, for reasons Edmund had never quite managed to figure out. So did Baldrick, which was particularly odd given that Baldrick neither wrote any letters nor knew how to read them. 

“I can see it’s a letter, you idiot,” Edmund grumbled.

“Who’s it from?” Baldrick asked. 

“I’m getting to that. You’re about to eat it afterwards, you know.” Edmund picked up the letter and began to read.

***

The year was 1503, and the cows were everywhere. 

“There seems to be a run on cows, milady,” Baldrick spoke up from his spot on a chair in the castle. 

Queen Leia brushed her braid over her shoulder and rolled her eyes.

“I’ve noticed that, Baldrick. Do you propose any kind of plan for how we ought to deal with the cow… issue?” 

She was thirty years old, tall and thin. She had outlived three of her husbands, though how much of this was by design, no one really knew and everyone was rather afraid to ask. She had a reputation for cunning and for quick retaliation. But not for expertise in dealing with dairy.

“Milk ‘em,” Baldrick suggested. Leia stared at him.

“How would that help the situation in any way, Baldrick?” she asked, “I mean… That wouldn’t limit the number of cows who have made their way into the castle. Nor would it fix the problem that has arisen involving the cows’ ability to go up the stairs, but their steadfast refusal to go down again. I must have a hold on my kingdom. After all, I am going to go down in history as… the Black Mamba.”

“But we would have milk,” Baldrick suggested, “And then we could finance the kingdom, with just milk.”

“But I assume other countries have milk as well, Baldrick,” Leia pointed out. “Hungary did, as I recall from my childhood days.”

Baldrick flashed his eyes at her.

“I believe I have a cunning plan.”

Leia stared at him, then giggled. 

“But that won’t solve the cow problem…” She thought about it a moment. “But it will take it out of my mind…”

***

“I decided to name the baby Edmund, after my first husband, because he still was very much in my mind… he always made me laugh, because he looked so funny… what?” Edmund threw the paper to the ground and proceeded to stomp upon it. “I’ve never read such rubbish in my life.”

“Would that make you and Baldrick… cousins or something?” Percy asked. “Oh, goody.”

“Not ‘oh, goody’, Percy! I don’t even know if I’m technically a Lord anymore!”

Baldrick looked at him.

“You’ll always be my lord, milord.”

Edmund stared at him.

“I don’t know whether to be touched or horrified. I’m going to go with the later, because the thought of you touching me horrifies me. This doesn’t leave this room, you understand?” He gave a meaningful look to Percy and Baldrick. “Considering that if I have my way, other things won’t leave this room either. Except for me. Dear God, please let me be leaving the room whenever they are happening.”

“But you were in love with your manservant,” Percy pointed out good-naturedly.

“That’s not the point. The point is…” Edmund made a flourish with his hand, “That that’s Baldrick. And you’re Percy. And together or apart… no.”

Edmund continued to look horrified and walked out of the room.

Baldrick picked up the much-abused paper off the ground.

“I want to know how they did solve the cow problem,” he mused.

“Well, eventually they led them out to another pasture and made a fortune, but it eventually lead to some other war. That’s how I’ve worked it out in my head.”

Baldrick looked at him.

“How do you know that? It’s not in the letter…”

Percy smirked.

“Oh, it isn’t?” 

He offered his arm to Baldrick, who still looked confused, but took it. Obviously Percy had had a cunning plan, but he couldn’t quite work it out. Not yet, anyway.


End file.
